I started blogging more than five years ago for the same reason that a great deal of bloggers started: to keep my far away family and friends in the loop on our life. That blog was about the kids and our family unit. Yeah, it was told with my voice, but it was a reflection of us, not me. For a variety of reasons, that particular blog just didn't work out the way I expected. It was a source of great frustration for me at the time, but it led to better things because now I blog for myself. This blog is about my life, my thoughts, my fears, my struggles, my joys...it's the one place in my life where I can use that many "my's" without guilt. Because here? It's not about the kids or my marriage or anything else that I feel should hold some sort of priority. Here, it really is all about me.
I struggle with where to take this blog sometimes. I want to tell my story, but I don't always know how to do it. To know a person's now you need to know their then...and y'all have missed out on a lot of "then". Some of that comes up in ways that fit and make sense, but I avoid a lot of it due to the potential fallout. (For those who aren't aware, pretty much every family member and real-life friend I have knows where this blog is. Hi guys! Love ya!)
On top of all that, I'm not even sure what my story is. I'm a military spouse, but that's not all I am. I'm a mother, but that doesn't define me. I'm not just an on-again, off-again student (thankfully, since that particular dial is currently set to "OFF"); a daughter; a sister; a granddaughter; an American veteran. I'm more than just the sum of my parts. It's not even that I'm searching for who I am because I don't really think you can ever truly know that until the end, if you ever really know it at all. Living is changing. Who I am now is not who I was one or ten years ago; it's also not who I will be one or ten years from now.
It's funny because there have been times in my life when I could have told you who I was in that moment. Or, who I felt I was, anyway. It's like I have a list of all the stories that could have been running through my head. I defined myself by my job when I was active duty. (That took awhile to get over.) When Jason and I were trying to grow our family I would have defined myself as "that chick that can't get pregnant again". I've been the deployed mom, the daughter caught in the middle, the grandchild desperate to get home in time, the hurt and bitter *fill in role of your choice*
, that skinny chick with body image issues (sigh), that girl who lost 50 pounds, the girl that gained the weight back...man, I've held a lot of roles in this life. I'm sure I'll hold more. I feel like I have the best hold on who I am in this moment...but I have no defining label to give you. I'm just me.
Do you have a focus and direction in mind for your blog? What roles have you held in the past that might have made for interesting reading material? And does anyone remember which morning show used to do that interview?! It's killing me!
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