Growing up, there was a lot of pressure to get holidays and special occasions right. There was an elaborate plan and there were high expectations: Everyone had a role to play, lines to say, and appearances to uphold. I probably don't have to tell you that there was a 100% fail rate. It was stressful and I don't know if I will ever completely get over it. I feel this way about all holidays to a certain extent but the worst are the ones where the attention turns to me. I face the day with dread, knowing beyond certainty that I will never be able to act and react in the ways expected of me.
This is all internal, of course. Self-induced torture. And decidedly unfair to my kids. I should be able to just enjoy the--my--day without being a mass of nerves. I should be able to let them, and Jason too, make a big deal about me without feeling...selfish and wrong. I need to remember this. It's an important lesson, I think.
Other, good, things I want to remember about the day:
Sam walked four miles this morning to buy me flowers while I slept in. They were from everyone, but Jason didn't want to leave and have me wake up to an empty house. Sam was so proud that he picked the flowers out himself.
Jake made me a magnet and a card at school. The magnet is classic Jake, stick figures on a baseball field with his family in the stands. He is, of course, at bat.
In the spirit of being real, Zander was a true pill bug today. He gave out hugs and kisses aplenty, but there were several tantrums today. Eh. He's four--and a passionate four, at that. I wouldn't trade this kid for any of a trillion others.
Cuddling with Izzy after his nap may have been my favorite moment of today. Sitting with him in my arms I took in the sweet lines of his face; the rounded curve of his cheek, his upturned nose, and his bowed lips. I know from experience that someday soon I will wake up to find that he's turned into a little boy overnight. I want to remember always the way his little arms feel when he's hugging my neck.
I don't know how my kids are going to remember this Mother's Day, but these are the things I'm hoping to take with me from the day. Did you learn anything this Mother's Day? I hope you all had a great weekend.