Here's the thing: I really thought that I was going to be over-the-moon happy this Christmas. We're back in the states! Malls and Target and Christmas lights and all those awesome cartoon Christmas specials that we haven't seen for seven years--things should be great, right? Right?
So how come it wasn't?
Putting up our decorations was difficult because I know where they all go...and where they all go is in a townhome nearly 6000 miles away. I had the worst time getting the sugar cookie dough to cooperate...I think it was too hot here. I didn't want to bake because we don't know enough people to give stuff out to. It was just one thing after another. I tried to stay ahead of all these feelings but I have to admit, I just wasn't feeling Christmas this year.
Over the course of the month, I kept thinking about what we "normally" do this time of year and guess what? A good 75 percent of those things are specific to where we've spent the past seven years; pictures with Santa at the Community Center, Christmas markets, driving out to Frank's basket factory to see the newest Christmas ornaments, fighting the crowds at the BX: those are the things I am used to. I'm not exactly homesick, but I'm having symptoms. Does that make sense?
I'm also dealing with some family-oriented feelings this year and the holidays just amplified all the things that aren't. It should make it easier knowing that all those things that aren't are also all the things that have never been, but it's not right now. I'm trying to remember that you can't be angry with people for being who they are; sometimes they just can't help it. It's hard though. There is a part of me that must have glorified how things would be when we got back to the states...and the reality is that things just aren't that way. And I should have known better, even on a subconscious level.
So yeah. Christmas = blah here. I'm putting on as much front as I can for the kids, but I'm really looking forward to the holidays being over this year. Am I the only one?