Wednesday, December 29, 2010

could someone please hold my hair back for me?

So Christmas was...kind of depressing. Is it too soon to admit that? I've been trying to hold back until everyone got all their holiday cheer expressed. I want to be that drunk girl who puked in the bushes after the party was over, not the one that puked in the punch bowl. Know what I mean? (Okay, terrible analogy. I admit it.)

Here's the thing: I really thought that I was going to be over-the-moon happy this Christmas. We're back in the states! Malls and Target and Christmas lights and all those awesome cartoon Christmas specials that we haven't seen for seven years--things should be great, right? Right?

So how come it wasn't?

Putting up our decorations was difficult because I know where they all go...and where they all go is in a townhome nearly 6000 miles away. I had the worst time getting the sugar cookie dough to cooperate...I think it was too hot here. I didn't want to bake because we don't know enough people to give stuff out to. It was just one thing after another. I tried to stay ahead of all these feelings but I have to admit, I just wasn't feeling Christmas this year.

Over the course of the month, I kept thinking about what we "normally" do this time of year and guess what? A good 75 percent of those things are specific to where we've spent the past seven years; pictures with Santa at the Community Center, Christmas markets, driving out to Frank's basket factory to see the newest Christmas ornaments, fighting the crowds at the BX: those are the things I am used to. I'm not exactly homesick, but I'm having symptoms. Does that make sense?

I'm also dealing with some family-oriented feelings this year and the holidays just amplified all the things that aren't. It should make it easier knowing that all those things that aren't are also all the things that have never been, but it's not right now. I'm trying to remember that you can't be angry with people for being who they are; sometimes they just can't help it. It's hard though. There is a part of me that must have glorified how things would be when we got back to the states...and the reality is that things just aren't that way. And I should have known better, even on a subconscious level.

So yeah. Christmas = blah here. I'm putting on as much front as I can for the kids, but I'm really looking forward to the holidays being over this year. Am I the only one?


  1. I can totally relate! There is so much build up to the day of Christmas and then when things are not exactly as you imagine... it is a real let down.

    I have to just remind myself that it was only a single day in December though... and I get move on from it and take down the decor for another year.

    I get to move on to more things normal--

    Now? I am looking towards spring. Yes-- I know that the first day of winter was like 5 days ago.

    OH WELL.

  2. I felt somewhat the same way, but because we stayed in Germany instead of traveling back to the States the way we've done the last 2-3 years. The PRESSURE of trying to make Christmas with "just us" special for the kiddos...I was exhausted.

    Oh, and here is a funny post I read the other day about the "Mom Holidays" starting in January when the kids go back to school. She makes the point that Mom is the "Magic Maker" for Christmas, and that it's a lot of work.



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