Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Leaving My Double Life Behind

Not quite a year ago I started a second blog. It was (slightly) more anonymous than this one, which is to say that I didn't actively tell my friends and family about it. (It was on my profile so, you know, some of you could have potentially found it.) The entire blog was weight-loss specific. When I first started that blog it was with the purpose of keeping my weight loss journey separate from my--I'm not even sure. My real life? This blog? I don't know. I think maybe I believed that I could write more honestly if my family and friends weren't reading it.

The thing was, I felt like a liar doing it that way. Part of my weight problems come from the fact that I smother everything negative that has ever been done or said to me with this giant denial pillow. In my head, if I don't acknowledge the way someone's actions or words made me feel, then it didn't happen or wasn't said. I'm so anti-confrontation that I would rather tuck my negative feelings away so that I don't have to deal with those reactions to my hurt feelings, anger, or disappointment. The reactions of others make me feel guilty, even when I know deep into my bones that my feelings are valid. It's easier to just silently hold the transgressions of others against them than to deal with the fallout. And that isn't fair to anyone.

I don't know why I haven't felt as though I am allowed to have my own feelings. What makes me think that my feelings are less valid than anyones else's? I really don't know. I can say that it wasn't any one thing that brought me to this place. It was a series of events, of relationships, of actions and inactions on the part of others and myself that caused me to smother my feelings under that big pillow.

It's been a long time coming, but I finally decided to merge the blogs. (In fact, the bulk of this post was already published at the other a couple months ago. That is why the handful of you that followed me over here think they've already read it--you have!) I'm hoping that this move makes it easier for me to acknowledge the validity of my own heart. I don't think I'm going to come out the other side of this weight thing until I get some of that sorted out.

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