My Love and Hate (but mostly hate) Relationship with the Scale

Have you ever had one of those weeks that wasn't all that terribly bad but you were pretty happy to see the end of it anyway? That was my week last week. I'm still in a bit of a funk but this week I am trying to crawl my way out. Trying is always a good thing, right?

After my last weight update post a couple of you asked me about my trips to the scale. Billie wanted to know how often I weigh myself and Chubby Girl just flat out asked me what I was thinking jumping on the scale so soon after a weigh in. The answer to both questions is that I weigh myself every single day.

Yes, I am one of those people.

I have never had a healthy relationship with food or my weight. When I was in middle school I decided I would rather have the money that my parents gave me to buy my lunch than the lunch itself. Oh, some days I would buy a Shasta and Whatchamacallit from the student store, but most days I just skipped. Breakfast? Breakfast I might have a few saltine crackers and a popsicle. Maybe. A lot of the time I skipped that too. Of course, I was absolutely famished when I got home. Sometimes I would skip eating just to prove that I could do it. Other times I would binge on whatever I could find in the house that would get me in the least amount of trouble. (There were a lot of things in the house that I was not allowed to eat--but that is probably a whole different post.)

I don't remember what I weighed in middle school (I'm guessing I didn't have regular access to a scale), but at the beginning of high school I fluctuated between 109 and 119. During my senior year--when I had a job at a local fast food place and my parents went through their first separation--my weight stayed between 119 and 129. (I have this thing about 9's, apparently. I never noticed that until now.) I wonder now if it's normal for kids to have that much of a fluctuation in their weight? I've never considered that either.

I joined the Air Force right out of high school. I was in the delayed enlistment program which, in my case, means that I went and did the physical and signed most of the paperwork my junior year. When I went in to do the physical my weight was 112. At 5'7" the minimum weight I was allowed to weigh was 109. The nurse, who knew my dad, told me she was going to round up my weight to 115--just to give me a little padding.

It is crazy for me to remember these things.

When I left for basic I was at 129. I remember how mortified I was to almost be 130 pounds. This wasn't helped by the fact that everyone (and, man, I really mean everyone) noticed that weight gain. Between all the physical training and the fact that I eat really slow (thus never finishing an entire meal the entire time I was there) I graduated basic at 119. It was mostly muscle (you could see my ab muscles for the first time ever which still impresses me) and I was in a size 5 for jeans and whatnot. At my height, 119 is in the normal weight, but just barely. Another pound or two and I would have been officially "underweight." I looked like a skeleton, but I still thought I could lose weight. I look at the pictures now and I want to cry for that girl. In a lot of ways she was way more screwed up than I am now.

So, anyway. Never a healthy relationship.

I can't remember if I talked about it over here (I know I did at the other blog), but when I did the Phase 1 portion of South Beach back in October I didn't weigh myself the whole time. I am seriously considering doing something similar again. I wonder if I might have more success if I took the pressure off myself with those blasted numbers and just made my decisions every day based on what was right for my health. I realize this is not a ground breaking new theory or anything, but it's not one that I have ever employed.

I don't have a snazzy way to end this post. I guess I'm wondering if any of my fellow weight loss bloggers have had these emotional issues with food like I have? (I mean, specifically from those of you reading this. Of course I realize that I'm not the only one in the world. I do watch Biggest Loser!) Have you written a post about the start of your weight trouble? Or your preoccupation with numbers? Please share the link(s) with me (or write something today, if you are so inclined). I would love to read them.