Day 11: A Recent Photo of Me

I tried to think of a way around this particular post. After all, who decides exactly what the word 'recent' means? Isn't that sort of subjective? Isn't it possible that you could define 'recent' as within a month while I might consider anything within five years the same? I mean, I have a picture of myself that I really like and it's only about four years old. Why can't I just use that?! I considered many different options, but, in the end, I decided that was a little disingenuous of me. The truth is that current pictures of myself make me extremely uncomfortable because they showcase the weight that I've picked up.

Shortly before leaving Germany I started making a concerted effort to appear in more family pictures. I'll hand the camera over to Sam and ask him to snap a photo of me with Jason, or I'll ask Jason to take a couple pictures of me with the kids. I've avoided pictures for so long that Jason still gets a little surprised look on his face when I do it. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before that stops, and just what he's been thinking about the situation all these years. I have been rather vocal about not wanting to be in any pictures. It makes me a little sad to think of all the things, big and small, that have been affected by my weight.

Why the sudden change? (Because it really was quite sudden.) Some of it is that so many people have told me how much I'll regret it if I don't get in those pictures. That I'll look back on our family photos and wish there were more with me in them. Most of it is for the kids, though. What if something happens to me next week or next year? Not only will Zander and Izzy not remember me, they'll have no real photographic evidence that I ever interacted with them. That idea is just unbearable. The kids (all of them, not just the two youngest) deserve to have some pictures of themselves with their mom.

Beyond those reasons, which are pretty good in and of themselves, I want the pictures as proof to myself. I am determined to lose this stupid weight. I'm going to do it. When I do, I want these pictures to serve as some kind of record of my journey. I think I deserve that.

This picture is from a drive we took up into the Sierras not too long after we moved into our new home. We stopped along the side of the road to look at the view and Jason talked me into a photo of just myself. I can point out about 20 things that I don't like about myself in this photo but I won't. Instead I will tell you how incredible it was to look out across the valley and see all the different hills and mountains between where I stood and the horizon. That kind of view can inspire in someone the feeling that just about anything is possible.