Day 16: A Song that Makes Me Cry

Hopefully I am not in the minority here; or, at the very least, that I'm not the only one! There are a lot of songs that make me cry now or have made me cry in the past. Maybe I'm just overly emotional, but I almost always have a handful of songs that can get me going pretty quickly. Some of those songs in the past have been Tim McGraw's "Don't Take the Girl", the Dixie Chicks "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)", and (more recently) Lady Antebellum's "Hello World". Geez, I have a ton. (They aren't all country songs, either. Honest! These are just the ones coming to mind right now. I'm going through a country phase right now.)

There is one song that consistently gets to me, though. One song that just kills me at the very first note, every single time. Every time I hear Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work" I am a puddle on the floor. I love the movie "She's Having a Baby" and I always flash to the part with the one drop of blood falling to the floor during the c-section scene. The beginning of this song drops me so quickly into that scene that I take that huge hitching breath that precedes The Ugly Cry. You know what I mean? Jason thinks this is so funny that he routinely slips the song into roadtrip CD's just to screw with me. Can you believe that? How mean is he?

How about you? Are there any songs that can bring you to tears?

***

A quick note on this 30 Days of Me thing. Since I don't plan to go straight through the meme, I'm skipping the "Writer's Choice" entries; my regular entries can stand in for those. Also, I already did a "Favorite Book" entry, so I fail to see the reason to write about my favorite non-fiction, fiction, and Fanfic books. (Also? I had to google Fanfic. I had no idea what that was. Therefore, I have no favorite anyway. I probably wouldn't have anyway.)

Day 11: A Recent Photo of Me

I tried to think of a way around this particular post. After all, who decides exactly what the word 'recent' means? Isn't that sort of subjective? Isn't it possible that you could define 'recent' as within a month while I might consider anything within five years the same? I mean, I have a picture of myself that I really like and it's only about four years old. Why can't I just use that?! I considered many different options, but, in the end, I decided that was a little disingenuous of me. The truth is that current pictures of myself make me extremely uncomfortable because they showcase the weight that I've picked up.

Shortly before leaving Germany I started making a concerted effort to appear in more family pictures. I'll hand the camera over to Sam and ask him to snap a photo of me with Jason, or I'll ask Jason to take a couple pictures of me with the kids. I've avoided pictures for so long that Jason still gets a little surprised look on his face when I do it. I can't help but wonder how long it will be before that stops, and just what he's been thinking about the situation all these years. I have been rather vocal about not wanting to be in any pictures. It makes me a little sad to think of all the things, big and small, that have been affected by my weight.

Why the sudden change? (Because it really was quite sudden.) Some of it is that so many people have told me how much I'll regret it if I don't get in those pictures. That I'll look back on our family photos and wish there were more with me in them. Most of it is for the kids, though. What if something happens to me next week or next year? Not only will Zander and Izzy not remember me, they'll have no real photographic evidence that I ever interacted with them. That idea is just unbearable. The kids (all of them, not just the two youngest) deserve to have some pictures of themselves with their mom.

Beyond those reasons, which are pretty good in and of themselves, I want the pictures as proof to myself. I am determined to lose this stupid weight. I'm going to do it. When I do, I want these pictures to serve as some kind of record of my journey. I think I deserve that.

This picture is from a drive we took up into the Sierras not too long after we moved into our new home. We stopped along the side of the road to look at the view and Jason talked me into a photo of just myself. I can point out about 20 things that I don't like about myself in this photo but I won't. Instead I will tell you how incredible it was to look out across the valley and see all the different hills and mountains between where I stood and the horizon. That kind of view can inspire in someone the feeling that just about anything is possible.

Day 10: A Photo of Me More than 10 Years Old

If you are on Facebook, you may have noticed that many people are changing their profile pictures to photos of people in uniform in honor of Veteran's Day (which is tomorrow!). In fact, many of you reading this have probably done it yourselves! Jason and I scanned in a super-old picture last night for our profiles and this morning I realized I now had a good picture of myself for this post!

This picture is from my tech school graduation in January 1996. That's nearly 15 years ago. We are crazy young here! He was 21 and I was about to turn 19. We'd known each other for five months and had been married for two. (In addition to being crazy young we were also just plain crazy!)

Awww! But we were pretty cute, too. No wonder our kids are so adorable!

Day Nine: A Photo I Took

So remember way back in June when I started the "30 Days of Me" posts? Yeah, me neither really. June seems like it was 10 years ago! I really want to finish these, so I'm going to get back into them a little. I doubt I'll go straight through, but I'm determined to get it done. I've done days one through eight, so we'll start off with the ninth day, which is supposed to be a photo I took. Here's a round-up for those who are interested:

Day 01: Favorite Song

Day 02: Favorite Movie

Day 03: Favorite TV program

Day 04: Favorite Book

Day 05: Favorite Quote

Day 06: Writer's Choice

Day 07: Photo that Makes Me Happy

Day 08: Photo that Makes Me Angry/Sad

***

Taking photos is something that I love to do; it is one of the many reasons you will rarely see me in our family pictures. Unfortunately, my camera is just a point-and-shoot. I do my best, but my pictures are never going to be quite as clear and lovely as those who have the yummy DSLR cameras. Maybe someday, right? In the meantime, I'll just keep snapping away!

Since the majority of my latest pictures are from things I want to blog about, I'm going to dig into the archives a little. This picture is from the family reunion we went to in Indiana. It had been years and years since I had been able to attend the annual reunion. In fact, I think it was the biggest family gathering we managed to have ever. There were a few cousins missing, but that was it. I'm happy that it worked out that way because it made Grandma so happy to have so many of us there together.

As people are wont to do at family gatherings, we did a bunch of posed pictures that day. Grandma wanted pictures of each of her kids (five total) with all of their individual families, so we had a big, old photo session. It was nuts! People gathered up on stairs and in front of trees, various adults called for children to "Look at me! Look here! Smile!", silly children made faces and giggled when the exasperated adults would snap the photo at just the wrong time; it was spectacular. The whole time all this was going on, Grandma and Grandpa sat up on the big, screened-in porch and watched. From time to time one of them would point out a particularly funny scene to the other and they would smile or laugh. Together.

Together. It's how I always think of them. Grandma was gone eight months after that family reunion. I'm so glad she got that day. It meant so much to her.

I took this picture when my aunt, cousin, and I were up on the porch taking pictures of Grandma and Grandpa. It is one of my favorite pictures from the day. This is what 60 years of marriage should look like.

Day Eight: A Photo that Makes Me Sad

Is it cheating to use the same picture twice? Oh well. Here's the photo that makes me sad:


Look familiar?

So what's the deal? How can that photo make me both happy and sad? Well, I'll tell you. The truth is, that picture is the epitome of the perfect family picture to me. Perfect because I'm not in it. No, I'm not saying that I want out of my family or that they would be better without me or anything like that. I just feel like I would mess up the picture by being in it.

That sounds worse out here than it does in my head. Let me try to explain.

I have (and have always had) terrible body image. I have always felt too big (even when I wasn't--you'll be seeing that in a post soon enough) and now that I actually am too big I am hideously self conscious. I feel so strongly about this picture that I used it in an online project put together by Jack Sh*t of Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit. (He's hysterical, by the way. Go over there and read some of his stuff. AFTER you finish up here, of course!)

I hate to be in pictures because I feel like I ruin them. Many a great picture of my children will never see the light of day because I am in the shot too. I've recently started working on my weight and one of the reasons is that I want to take real family pictures. The kind that I am in too. The kids and Jason deserve that. And so do I.

Do you have hang-ups about being in pictures or do you know someone who does? Have you ever struggled with body image issues?

Day Seven: A Photo that Makes Me Happy

This picture never fails to make me smile. This is all five of my wonderful guys all in one shot:


This picture was taken at Keukenhof Gardens in the Netherlands. We went in April and it was so pretty! (Being the horribly behind blogger that I am, I have yet to actually blog about this trip. It's coming. Eventually.) As you might imagine, it's difficult to get everyone looking at the camera at the same time with a group this big. I'm usually happy if I just get 2 or 3 looking in the general vicinity of the camera; the fact that I got all five in one shot with such a beautiful background just made my day.

Have you ever captured your family at just the right moment? Taken a picture that came out much better than you had hoped?

Day Six: Roadtrips

I don't know about you, but this family loves a roadtrip. All six of us love to just get in the van and just GO! One of our favorite evening past times is getting in the van and driving. At each intersection we pick a random direction. The goal is just to end up somewhere we've never been and to see something we haven't seen. A couple weeks ago we did this and ended up in Saint Wendel, which is about 40 minutes away on the Autobahn. We didn't get there via the Autobahn. In fact, I doubt I could pick out the route we took to get there. It took quite a bit longer than 40 minutes; I can tell you that!

Having spent the past 7 years in Germany, we have seen quite a bit of the surrounding area through the above method, as well as longer (and slightly better planned) daytrips. We have enjoyed it, but we feel a little--uncomfortable sometimes. The truth is, we have seen more of Germany than we have of our own country. Yes, we're very familiar with the panhandle of Florida. We could even give you quite the tour of parts of North Carolina or Indiana; but we didn't travel that extensively while we were living there. If we were given the opportunity to go anywhere, we went to visit family. Period.

One of our goals when we return to the states is to see more of our own country. Living in California will give us some awesome travel opportunities in that we have never truly been west of the Mississippi. (We have both been to Hawaii, I have been to Alaska, and Jason spent some time in Washington state...but for all intents and purposes it's a new area.) We're already busy planning some serious camping trips and several roadtrips. It would be awesome if we could check off all 50 states at some point in our lives. I love the idea of making that a goal.

Do you and your family like to travel? What is your dream roadtrip? What are some places in the U.S. that you think EVERYONE should see?

Day Five: Favorite Quote

When I was in high school I took a creative writing course. I loved writing and the class was taught by my favorite teacher so it seemed like a great fit. What I didn't realize was that we were going to be required to share our stories with others in the class. Instant discomfort. "DeMo" was a popular teacher and the class was pretty eclectic. Sure there were kids in the class who loved to write like I did; there were also some random popular kids who had taken the class for their own unfathomable reasons. I had a really hard time sharing my writing and it was pretty obvious that I held back--especially to the teacher who had already seen some of my work.

It was sometime during that semester that I fell in love with quotations. I'm not sure how it started but I would pour through quote books. My notebooks were covered in motivational and inspirational words expressed by people of all walks of life. I started coming into my creative writing course and writing a "Quote of the Day" on the board. It was just for fun and we were a goofy bunch. It quickly became my one real contribution to the class. It just worked for me at the time.

But. At the end of the semester DeMo gave out "awards" for the class. You know, those certificates that teachers hand out on the last day and they are supposed to say something specific about each student? Well, I got "The Plagiarism Award." Sigh.

It's not as bad as it sounds, though. DeMo wrote a couple paragraphs for each of us and read them aloud to the class. In mine he talks about how enjoyable the quotes were but that he hopes one day I will find the confidence to share my own voice. It was a spot on observation by a man who greatly cares for his students. (I had an independent study in creative writing with him the next semester during which I was able to be much more forthcoming.)

This is something that I have struggled with my whole life: trusting people with the me that I am on the inside. I give people a shell and then, when it's rejected, I have an excuse. "Well, they don't know the real me anyway." Not the most sophisticated self defense mechanism, but it is effective.

All this brings me to the quote that hits me most right now:

And the day came
when the risk to remain tight in a bud
became more painful
than the risk it took to blossom.

~ Anais Nin ~

And that is what I am feeling now. I feel a desire to share who I am that I have never felt before. It has become more lonely inside my heart than it could ever be painful on the outside. So I'm stepping out. This is my current mantra.

Do you have a personal mantra or a quote that speaks to you? Whose words do you find most inspiring? Why?

Day Four: Favorite Book

Man, oh man. Where do I even start?

I have a love of books that is...well, probably a little unhealthy to be honest. I've wondered at times if I don't have an addiction to reading. I go through withdrawal if I go too long between reading material. You'll see me twitching and slapping at the crook of my arm and everything. It's bad.

Also...I have a strange quirk about books. Once I pick up a book, I am compelled to read through it as fast as I can. I feel this peculiar responsibility for the characters, as though they are "stuck" at whatever point in the story that I quit reading. This is probably a sign that I saw the movie The Neverending Story too many times as a child. (I totally forgot to add that one to my favorite movie post. Atreyu-uuuuuuuuuuu!)

You laugh, but I am serious. It's bad.

Anyway, the point is that I go through books very quickly. And I have this thing about buying my books instead of borrowing them from the library. I buy them new for reasons too ridiculous to bore you with. Jason has pretty much started to refuse to buy me books less than 4- or 500 pages. He says it's just not economical because the $7-20/book should last me more than 4 or 5 hours. He's probably right. We don't have to share that with him though, right? He's kind of annoying when I admit he has a point about something.

Okay, so favorite books. Good grief. Even with all this stalling I still don't know where to start!

At this point I don't read much in the way of classics or anything too "high brow." I read Sophie's Choice a couple summers ago and about fried my brain. (Jason was happy though; he really felt like he got his money out of that one.) It's just too much for me to read those kinds of books and keep up with the kids. Maybe in a few years. I read a lot of today's popular authors, though. Lots and lots. I'm not incredibly picky about what I read; because of the whole character stuck in the book issue I have, I will read complete crap just to give a character closure. (No, really. I told you it was bad.)

I can tell you that I love Dean Koontz. With the exception of the Frankenstein books he's been writing, there really isn't anything of his that I don't like. My favorites of his are probably the Odd Thomas books, followed by Life Expectancy, and then Twilight Eyes. The best thing about any Koontz book (in my opinion) is the underlying positive energy. The laughter and humor through dark times...it's how I try to approach life. (Not that I always succeed, of course.)

I used to be a HUGE fan of Stephen King's books. I have a copy of IT that has seen better days. The Stand was also great. (I'm talking about the books, you understand. Not the horrible made-for-tv movies that were based off the books. He should never allow anything other than short stories to be made for tv or the big screen. Not even all those, though. The Mist made a horrible movie but was a terrific story.) His newer stuff leaves me cold and the Dark Tower series just plain irritated me. (Sorry, Mr. King! I still think you are awesome.)

My most recent favorite series has been the Sookie Stackhouse novels. Love them!

I love, love, love Anne of Green Gables and all the books in that series. If I absolutely had to pick a favorite I would pick this series. No, I couldn't choose just one; it would definitely have to be the all eight books.

Also from my childhood: The Chronicles of Narnia, The Boxcar Children, and A Wrinkle in Time. Oh! And A Little Princess and The Secret Garden. I still read those last two from time to time. Now that I think of it, kids have all the great books.

So many adults claim that they don't have the time to sit and read a book. Do you make time in your day or week to read? What have you read recently?

Day Three: Favorite TV Program

Living in Europe for nearly seven years has impeded our ability to stay completely on top of television programs (at least in a timely manner), but I think we've done okay anyway. Thank goodness for today's technology our we'd be stuck in a massive Pop Culture black hole.

As with anything, I can't really pick just one favorite. So here's a little list:

Jason and I both love home improvement shows. If we had to pick a type of show to call our favorite, this might be it. Anything with a do-it-yourself approach? Yeah, we're all over that. We have owned one home and while we were ready to give up that particular house when the time came, we are really looking forward to the freedom living in a house of our own again. We'll probably always be in the middle of some project or another when the time comes.

Dexter: The serial killer show, not the cartoon. I adore this show and have been watching it since the first season. (Thank you, Danny!) I would be lying if I said that Michael C. Hall wasn't a huge part of why I love the show. Shh! Don't tell Jason. I have every intention of reading the book which the show is based after; I just have to remember to order it. I hope it doesn't mess up the series for me. Hm...maybe I don't want to read it.

Big Love: I have no idea why I love this show so. I talk a lot through the show (sorry, baby) because some of the ideas are so crazy to me. A man with three wives?! Is he glutton for punishment? A wife who shares her husband with other women?! Is she super secure or a complete loon? All kidding aside, I find the idea of polygamy interesting in that it is so different from what I believe is right for me. (Did anyone read the story about polygamy in The National Geographic a couple months ago? I enjoyed that too!)

True Blood: Yes, I have succumbed to the vampire madness. I blame Melanie. She sucked me into the damn Twilight series and then followed it up with the Sookie Stackhouse books. THEN it was all, "You have to watch True Blood!" (Just kidding, Meme!) I actually like that the show doesn't really follow the books; I have no more idea what is going to happen than Jason does, even though I have read the books.

I just realized that these are all cable tv shows. I'm boycotting most network TV because they keep canceling the shows I like. Jason and I think that having us as fans for a show is the kiss of death. Firefly, Jericho, and October Road were all super popular in this house and then BAM! They went away. Firefly got a movie to wrap things up, Jericho got an extra half season...but we'll never know who the real father was on October Road! Boooo! Hiss!

Which reminds me of one of the things I am looking forward to when we get back to the states! I miss Maury! "You are NOT the father!" Those are the freakin' best! I can't wait.

What shows do you like? Do you have a "guilty pleasure" television show? What kind of show gets your interest?

Day Two: Favorite Movie

We don't need to go through the "favorite" speech again, do we? Okay, good. Now that we've gotten that out of the way...

I'm not really a big movie fan. I love music, love books, and enjoy several TV shows, but movies aren't so much my thing. I'm not positive, but I think I can count the number of times I have been to the movies post-high school (including movies with the kids) on my fingers and toes without having to add any extra appendages. I graduated in 1995, so you do the math.

(Side Note: Melanie, this in NO WAY means that I do not want to go to the movies on Friday. I do like the occasional movie and a girl's night out without the kids is definitely something I want to do right now!!! Please don't uninvite me!)

Jason loves movies so we do a lot of renting. We have different ideas of what makes a movie "good," though. He loves thrillers and horror flicks, action movies, and historical dramas. Oh, and the newish genre of "stupid, gross humor." I don't know what the correct term is for those, but he likes those as well. (I could hang with those up through the Adam Sandler stage...anything past that is a little too obnoxious for me.) I end up "multi-tasking" through a lot of movies because they just don't hold my interest.

The movies that I enjoy most don't really get made anymore. (Lord, that makes me sound 100 years old!) I like movies that depict normal life trials and show everyday people making it through everyday events with humor and grace. Father of the Bride, Parenthood, Steel Magnolias...all these movies are in my Top 10 List. I love The Money Pit, She's Having a Baby, and Raising Arizona. I love the goofiness of The Goonies and the coming of age story that is Stand By Me. I will never pass up an opportunity to watch Baby Boom or Funny Farm. All these movies are very out of style but timeless to me.

On second thought, I do enjoy movies. I'm just stuck in a time warp! How about you? Do you like the movies of today? Do you prefer movies that tell a story or movies with a lot of action? What kind of movie grabs your interest?

Day One: Favorite Song

I am not a person who generally has a "favorite." I don't have a favorite color or city or much of anything else. I don't mean to be difficult when faced with this question, but I always have to ask, "Favorite for what?" I may like to decorate my house using burgundy and green...but I wouldn't want to paint the outside of my house either one of those colors. I like Heidelberg here in Germany, but I like Cincinnati in Ohio and Gatlinburg in Tennessee. I like all the things I like for different reasons and I can't really pick one thing over the other and say that this, here, is my very favorite.

As you might guess, this is going to make some of these "30 Days of Me" posts a bit of work for me.

I love music. Love.It. I tend to go for music that is slow and wistful sounding (think Sting's Fields of Gold). I like music from the 60s through the 70s best...mostly. I like James Taylor, the Eagles, and Christopher Cross. Music from the 80s is fun too, though. Jason and I have a lot of private jokes concerning the soundtrack to Footloose. Great car music is Justin Timberlake, Gwen Stefani, and The Black-Eyed Peas. They're just fun to "sing" along with when I'm driving the kids around. ("Sing" because I am profoundly tone deaf. Just so you know: you never, ever want to hear me "sing." That old saying, "Just because I can't sing doesn't mean I won't."? Yeah, I own that sentiment.)

I will, however, go through stages where one song will touch me more than any other. And I do have one song that speaks to me in the place where I am right now. That song is Miranda Lambert's "House that Built Me." In particular, these lyrics really get to me:

You leave home and you move on and do the best you can,
I got lost in this old world and forgot who I am,

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it,
This brokenness inside of me might start healing,
Out here it's like I'm someone else,
I thought maybe I could find myself,
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave,
Won't take nothin but a memory,
From the house that built me.

Some of this probably stems from the general feeling of disconnect that I have been feeling with my extended family, particularly on my dad's side. My grandma was always the one who kept me anchored to home; she kept me updated on everyone and passed on the happenings from this end to everyone else. ("Home" to me has always been Grandma & Grandpa's house. I came home to that house from the hospital at birth and that house was the only constant home I knew growing up as a military brat. It's the closest thing I've ever had.) I talked to her a lot. She kept me grounded in terms of parenting issues as well. She had five kids and a husband who wasn't home much (my grandpa was a firefighter) so she understood the stress in a way that others in the family can't. Since her death I have been a little adrift.

I have spent a lot of the last couple of years figuring out how to heal and I feel like it would be easier to do around my family. As disconnected as I feel when I am out here in my own life, when I am home I mostly feel as though I belong. I think this song speaks to me right now because I was really thinking that the possibility of going to St. Louis would be my shot at getting back to that centered feeling I get around my family. My last shot at claiming my place just by virtue of being so much closer to home. The fact that it isn't going to happen has been something of a slap in the face.

I do think that music is a healing force in and of itself. The fact that someone wrote these lyrics (and that the song is so popular) lets me know that I am not the only one out here feeling this way. I just have to have faith that I will be able to work my way through all this in my own way.

What songs have touched you during stressful times in your life? Do you often find yourself identifying with a song because of what is going on around you?

30 Days of Me, aka some "canned" posts

I have been struggling with getting the time to think up, write, and post over here. I've got a couple things going on and a few plans and I need a little bit of time to get things up and running. Is that vague enough for you? Sorry! Honestly, between some ongoing move-related issues, the start of summer vacation for the boys, and a couple of personal projects, I am just swamped. I've really been struggling the last few weeks.

Luckily, I read Julie's blog Army Wife Julie. She is doing something called "30 Days of Me." She got it from someone else, who also got it from someone else...I'm not sure where it started but it's going to work real well for me right now. Here are the topics

Day 01: Favorite Song
Day 02: Favorite Movie
Day 03: Favorite TV program
Day 04: Favorite Book
Day 05: Favorite Quote
Day 06: Writer's Choice (See, I still have to think! Just not as much.)
Day 07: Photo that Makes Me Happy
Day 08: Photo that Makes Me Angry/Sad
Day 09: A Photo I Took
Day 10: A Photo of Me More than 10 Years Old
Day 11: A Recent Photo of Me
Day 12: Writer's Choice
Day 13: Favorite Fictional Book
Day 14: Favorite Non-Fictional Book
Day 15: Favorite Fan-Fic
Day 16: A Song that Makes Me Cry
Day 17: Favorite Art Piece (any medium)
Day 18: Writer's Choice
Day 19: A Talent of Mine
Day 20: A Hobby of Mine
Day 21: Recipe
Day 22: Website
Day 23: A You-Tube Video
Day 24: Writer's Choice
Day 25: My Day in Great Detail
Day 26: My Week in Great Detail
Day 27: This Month in Great Detail
Day 28: This Year in Great Detail
Day 29: My Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Next 365 Days
Day 30: Writer's Choice

I'll be asking questions at the end of each post and I hope you'll share your opinions and experiences as the month goes by.