This Morning's Small Heart Attack

Jason's schedule is such that he is generally gone long before I get up in the morning. I will occasionally stumble out of bed to tell him good-bye, but most mornings I don't even remember his alarm. So you may be able to imagine my sense of urgency at hearing heavy breathing and snoring behind me when my alarm went off at 6 AM! All I could think is, "He is SO LATE!"

I gasped, jumped out of bed, and said, "Jason--", only to realize that it was Zander.

Blink. Blink.

Who knew a four-year-old could snore like that?!

The Not-Quite an International Incident Story

Did you read this story over the weekend? Apparently a woman visiting a Ukrainian aquarium leaned over an animal enclosure to take a "dramatic" picture of the crocodile and dropped her phone. The crocodile swallowed the phone--yes, they are sure: the phone can be heard ringing in the poor croc's belly. It appears that the animal is going to need surgery to clear the phone out of his intestines. He's not feeling so great right now.

Those who haven't been to a zoo outside of the U.S. might be scratching their heads a little bit at this story. How did someone get that close to an animal? American zoos usually have double barriers to keep zoo visitors and animals separated. I used to think it was to keep the people safe from the animals (or the zoo safe from sue-happy people), but now I'm starting to realize that it also keeps the animals safe from the people!

I have written before about our near international incident, but I was completely joking! However, after reading this croc story, I feel a little bad for thinking it was funny. You see, European zoos (the ones I have been to, anyway) do not have those double barriers for most animals. I think the general attitude is, "Well, if you are stupid enough to get too close to the animals, you deserve what you get." (And, really--is that so wrong?) Here is a look at an example of the signs they post to clue you in on the obvious:

Funny, right? We took that picture at the Karlsruhe Zoo hippo exhibit and thought the whole thing was just a hoot and a half. Well, about 30 seconds after we took that picture, there was a small incident. Can you see it?

No? Well, let's try this one. Look hard.

Still not getting the job done? Well, this should do it. Check out the foreground of the shot. You can't miss it.

That's right! Izzy, riding in the backpack carrier, threw his pacifier right into the water. We didn't even notice it right away. It floated out about 10 feet before I spotted it--and promptly made a smart remark about someone's kid being upset about losing his binky. Cue exaggerated, embarrassed, slow motion realization. Figures, right? And who knows? If we had noticed it right away, we might have been those idiots who leaned over the partition to try to fish it out. It's definitely a possibility, although I would love to tell you that we wouldn't have!

Do you think you would have tried to nab it? What if it was, literally, less than a foot away? And have you ever had a close encounter with an animal? Or witnessed something strange at a zoo/aquarium?

P.S. While looking for a link to the zoo I found a story about a fire that from this past November. It killed a number of animals and threated the elephant and hippo exhibits. That makes me kind of sad. (By the way, The Local is a decent English-language news source for what is happening in Germany. Bookmark it if you are there or expect to head that way soon.)

P.P.S. We named the puppy Fiona!

really? seriously?

Okay, I was going to save these until Wednesday (Speechless Wednesday, anyone?) but I just can't. I've waited nearly a week as it is.

I'm guessing all the Oompa Loompas working at Wonka are virgin females. I'm talking from the lowliest of factory workers to the publicists to the lawyers--everyone. It's the only possible explanation. Explanation for what? Well, for this:


Jason found these at the shoppette a few days ago. We can't be the only dirty-minded people around, right? Please tell me that we're not alone in wondering what on earth those daffy people at Wonka were thinking! Really?! Seriously?

And in case you think perhaps it's just the packaging is bad, that surely the product itself is not nearly so, well... Ahem. Anyway. That's what I thought. So we opened it up. See for yourself:

The mushroom part and all its implications is a whole different topic and one that I'll just ignore for now. I'm just completely shocked that this made it through the entire process from brainstorming until production. Surely they have one immature individual somewhere who looked at these and, well...

C'mon! We can't be alone here!

yes, a little "help" may be in order

Yesterday marked the beginning of the third week of my online college courses. The first week went well. I didn't get my books right away, but there was minimal reading to do anyway. Most everything I needed was posted in our online "classroom" which streamlined the whole thing quite nicely. I thought, "Wow! This isn't so bad. Maybe this will be a little easier than I thought."

And then came week two.

Week two was rough; I'm not going to lie. There was a LOT of reading. Online and in the books. There were a bunch of exercises due. There was a grammar quiz and a biology project...it sucked. I was staying up entirely too late every night to keep things moving along. On top of that, none of the work from the previous week had been graded yet. So while I thought I did okay the first week, I couldn't be 100% sure.

And then oh boy. Then the grammar teacher started posting warning notices to the class at large. Notices that a third of the class had not turned in their assignment yet. Notices that some of those who had had used the wrong format when saving their files. Notices that there were several of us who were starting the term at a loss because of stupid errors. (Okay, she didn't say "stupid". That is me editorializing for dramatic effect.) Notices that let us all know that any assignment that was late due to being in the wrong format would still be getting an "F" even if it had been "turned in" on time. I started to get a little concerned. Why? Well, because that is what I do.

So one early morning (except it was really late at night because I had not been to bed yet) I tried, once again, to check my grade on my grammar assignment. It still wasn't there. So I figured that I would double-check the attachment. You know, just to make sure that I had saved it correctly when I submitted it the day before it was due. Nine days earlier. I login to the classroom, click on portfolio, click on the assignment in question...

Oh.my.

WRONG FORMAT WRONG FORMAT WRONG FORMAT! ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Those were pretty much my exact words. You know, minus the intense cussing and sobs that occurred in real life.

I e-mailed the teacher. No cussing, but definitely hysterical. I saved the cussing for the e-mail that I sent to Jason. (He happened to be working a night shift that night and was not home to witness the hysteria that ensued.) It was, without a doubt, the absolute cussingest e-mail I have ever written. So much so that I just invented "cussingest" as a way to describe it because people? There were no words to describe the foulness of that e-mail. It was that bad.

And then I waited. My teacher is in a different time zone and it was the weekend. So I had to sit around and try to figure out whether to take myself out of the class in an attempt to preserve my GPA or if I would be able to do well enough the rest of the class to make up for this colossal error. It was a rough 36 hours. And here's part of the e-mail she sent me:

I am not sure what to say to you, though, about your assignments, as everything you've turned in has been turned in both on time AND in the proper format. This should help you feel better? No worries there.

So far, I think you are doing just fine in our class. You do good work, and you submit it when it is due. Are there any other concerns that I can help you with or work together with you on?

I've highlighted the important part but I'm pretty sure that the last sentence there is her way of asking me if I need some kind of drug therapy. You know, or a referral to a really great shrink. Shock treatments? Something. I have no idea now what made me think that I had screwed up the format. I think the "3 am" thing may have had something to do with it. The fact that it was the third 3 am I had seen in a row probably didn't help. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

To top it off, I got an "A" on the assignment in question. And the professor asked me if she could post it as an example of an "A" paper for the rest of the class. I told her yes, of course. If for no other reason than I'm happy she didn't ask to post my e-mail as a fine example of neurosis!